Monster
by raistss
Summary: Rated T for bittersweet romance, graphic descriptions of self-harm, and thematic elements.


Levi wasn't sure how Petra found him so beautiful, so unique and extraordinary, but she certainly did. He, however, considered himself a disgusting, hideous monster. Mirrors were not friendly to him; as they reflected a battle-weary, cold, scarred man he honestly wanted nothing to do with.

He hadn't chosen to be a neurotic, merciless murderer, forced to detach himself from anything and everything so he wouldn't go insane. It had come to Levi through a life of violence, and he found himself wondering if the methods really did help him - or simply made him worse.

Petra often came into his quarters late at night after a stressful day, crawling into bed with him and telling him all they'd achieved, holding him through the tears he couldn't keep back, and listening as he told her how he felt, beyond the facade he'd put up, beyond the military and civilians' perception of him, humanity's strongest soldier, choking on wet sobs as his hands shook violently in her soft palms.

She didn't respond unless prompted to, taking in the two very different sides of the man she loved, always wondering how he got to be so messed up, so broken and hurt. Levi didn't tell her about his life before his trainee days and the Recon Corps, but she eventually learned that only Erwin knew the full story, while Hanji knew bits and pieces.

Hanji gave her a vague overview when asked, back when Petra had been a fairly new member. In her typical fashion, though, she had changed the subject and eagerly told Petra her theories on Levi's behavior. Hanji was, after all, the closest to a therapist the division would ever get - and she was decent at it, too.

Her theory was that after the first few mental scars he'd gotten, Levi's personality had essentially split into two, the main one being what everyone saw; the cold, detached, strong side of him. Hanji described a few moments when the corporal had broken down in front of her, and then said she was pretty sure that was his second personality. Rather, the one that took the brunt of his emotions and responsibilities as a soldier and squad captain, on top of the trauma still left over from events in his past.

Petra later found out that that second side of Levi was just as violent, but in a different way.

It was after Eren's inclusion into the squad, after the cleaning of the new HQ, as Hanji enthusiastically told the titan-shifter about her experiments in the mess hall, that Petra found Levi at his weakest yet.

Her footsteps echoed as she walked down the torch-lit hallway, feeling uneasy. Petra was fairly keen on when things were likely go wrong, and never ignored the signals her body provided.

She pushed open his door to find the room dark. No candles were lit,and the smell of blood, sweat, and tears mingled together and hung in the air like a storm cloud, threatening to strike lightning through the air.

"Levi?" Petra asked, her voice shaky. She heard his breathing, an unfamiliar mix of labored breaths and gasping sobs, and stepped into the room.

His breath hitched. He hadn't heard her open the door.

"Hey, Levi..." She found his bed in the dark room, using that a reference point as she looked for his bedside candle and matches. Carefully, she lit the candle, gasping when she saw a blood-coated knife lying next to the matchbox. She turned around to face Levi. His eyes were red, glazed over. He was hiding his right hand in his shirt nervously, the sleeve and bed-sheets stained red.

Petra sat down next to him. "Show me," she asked. "Please?"

Levi's stormy blue eyes met hers, his expression that of an abused child.

"I'm not mad at you," she reassured. It honestly frightened her that he'd regressed this far, but she didn't let it show.

Levi hesitated, taking his wounded hand out from its hiding place. Petra grimaced as she saw the mangled, bleeding flesh of his wrist and lower palm. It was obviously fresh, only slightly clotted, the crimson liquid staining his pale, calloused skin.

The corporal stared down at it too, his face scarily passive.

Petra stood, shushing him when he protested, and found his medical kit stored away with his gear. She took out a cloth, a small bottle of disinfectant, and a roll of gauze. Sitting next to him again, Petra took his his hand and cleaned the blood off gently. Levi watched in silence as she worked. His eyes weren't as glazed as before, but his gaze wavered, eyelids drooping in exhaustion.

Petra noticed a few smaller hesitation cuts on his thumb and index finger as she bandaged his wrist, and she bandaged those, too.

"I'm sorry," Levi whispered, his voice cracking. "I'm so sorry..."

Petra grasped his uninjured hand in reassurance. "It's alright. Everybody loses control sometimes."

He shook his head vehemently, repeating himself as the tears finally flowed. She could do nothing but hug him as he panicked, holding him to her body. His strong fingers dug into the shirt on her back, and she pulled him closer, feeling the tense muscle of his shoulders beneath his cotton shirt.

He buried his face in her shoulder, repeating the apology in a mantra, over and over again, his voice hoarse and cracking.

When his crying had reduced to weak hiccups and Petra's shirt shoulder was soaked through with warm tears, she slid her hands beneath his own shirt, sliding it up and taking it off for him. Levi watched in vague interest, complying when nudged pointedly. Petra unbuttoned her shirt, folding it neatly, as his now was, and set it next to the other.

Petra tapped his lightly bruised chest, letting him lie down, the multitude of battle and self-inflicted scars on his arms and abdomen fully visible now. He squirmed a bit, uncomfortable with the cool air of the castle and the sudden lack of clothing.

She sat on the bed, her knees folded next to him, brushing his side. Leaning down, Petra kissed his forehead. His eyes fluttered open slightly at her warm breath, still glazed from the tears he'd shed. Slowly, he reached up, his bandaged fingers grasping her elbow lightly. Petra's own free hand rose up to his cheek, warming the cold skin of his face. Her other was placed on his chest, maintaining her balance.

Levi's eyes were smoky with heat, yet they slid closed as he relaxed; finally feeling the wave of comfort that came with her soft, motherly touch. Her hand moved from his cheek up into his hair, stroking the ebony strands lovingly.

The couple stayed like that for a while, candle flame casting a flickering, orange aura over them. Levi's hand remained on her elbow, as if he'd forgotten what he'd intended to use it for, fingers twitching at every sensation she sparked in him.

Petra didn't know when he'd fallen asleep, but his fingers eventually slid down, releasing their grasp on her. Smiling, she pulled the blankets up over him and slid in, curling up as close to him as her need to breathe would allow.

Levi's face was calm for the first time in months. Petra couldn't help grinning in satisfaction.

He didn't have nightmares that night.


End file.
